I See the Goal, Not the Obstacles: How to Fail at the University of Tartu – Stanislav (Ukraine)
Let’s skip the part of what your reasons might be to want to be expelled from the university. I will simply tell you about a couple of reliable strategies on how to be expelled from the university, even though you’ve worked real hard to be accepted to Tartu and have now spent a couple of semesters here.
During the Semester
- You are a brilliant mind! Skip all the lectures, practical sessions, seminars, etc. If you find them tedious, why even show up there? Do not communicate with other students from your group and courses. You know all the information that is needed to pass the course, anyway.
- Violate homework and assignment deadlines. At your last school, rules were softer and not mandatory to follow. It cannot be that strict here, right? Then why should you respect deadlines?
- Do not contribute to the group assignments. You are too busy checking out the new Netflix series. Otherwise, what are you going to talk about with the other students? Common, it is four people in the group! They can handle everything by themselves – they do not need you!
- Have Keep your bad eating and sleeping habits. Forget about having a balanced breakfast, nice lunch and good dinner. You are definitely too young to follow all these the rules. Go and grab some hot-dogs at 3 a.m. And a beer. And some vodka. And don’t forget the cigarettes. You can always catch up with short naps throughout the day.
- No need to rest at all. Constantly think about how to pass the exam and never stop studying. All these party animals will definitely fail but you… You will shine bright at the exam! And it does not matter that it is only the first lecture in this semester! A busy mind is a working mind!
You did everything that was dependent on you but you still got the minimum amount points and now you will go to the exam. Do not give up! You still have a chance to fail!
- Do not participate in the group preparations for the exam. You have such a brilliant mind you do not need to visit group discussions! Be independent! They can steal your outstanding answers. No, no definitely close the window, lock the door and do not talk to anyone before the exam date – this is the only way to prepare for the exam. Isolation is the only path.
- Do not read emails from a lecturer. You receive so many emails every day! Should you read every letter? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Put all the lecturer emails into the spam list – do not let them shift your attention from a raid on WoW!
- Burn your notes. You need to warm up somehow during this freezing winter! (This option is applicable only if you wrote notes during the semester, if you didn’t, you can always steal your colleague’s)
At the Exam
You’ve not been preparing for the past 2 week exactly for that moment! Fail is around the corner.
- Do not register for the exam. Be honest to yourself, you are too cool to register for the exams! All the lecturers love you, of course, they can make an exception just for you and let you in when you will just show up on the last possible examination date. Everyone loves a big surprise!
- Do not even show up. A true gentleman is always late… for a couple of days! You have two examinations dates – of course, you can skip and show up on the next examination date without notifying the lecturer.
- Talk to and disturb the others. Do not worry, every professor at the University of Tartu is deaf, they won’t hear you. Definitely ask questions from the girl on your right, the one you have just seen for the first time. Do not forget – do it as loud as possible! Here in Estonia they love loud people! Specially foreigners!
- Cheat. Academic rules are not for you! Your other classmates are simply fools! Take out your phone or take out the cheat sheet and start to rewrite from paper as fast as possible right after the lecturer turns away from you.
- Start a fight. No one around wants to help, your cheat sheet is taken away – University wants you to fail, it is their fault! They have to pay for that – start a fight with a professor right during an exam.
- Last but not least – never ask for help when you need it! Do not ask other students when you need help with understanding materials, do not ask for help with academic issues from faculty stuff. Do not contact the counseling center [https://www.ut.ee/en/counselling] to discuss any of your concerns or issues. Otherwise, others will think that you are stupid or weak – you do not need that! You know everything!
By following these easy steps, you can accomplish your goal and be expelled from the University of Tartu very soon!
*Note: this is meta-irony you should do exactly the opposite to success at your studies.